the fishtank and the boy who could drive
|
Wellesely House 39 Ebury Bridge Road London SW1 8RT 0171 824 8502 |
Copyright Gentleman Loser Films January 18, 1998 |
BASED ON A TRUE STORY
A sunny bright afternoon. A field on the edge of a school. Two kids sprint across the field, laughing and shouting.
ME(v.o.)
When I was thirteen years old,I used to cherish school days. Because every school day, immediately after, my best friend, Tom Quinlan and I, would run to his house on the edge of school and feed our addiction for the wonders of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles game.
cut to:
The two kids, Tom and Me, are entranced, stuck in a feedback loop. Their eyes don’t move, their heads don’t move… Only their fingers as they fly across the control pads of a 1989 style Nintendo Entertainment System. The tinny music is the only sound in the room. Think the Teletubbies tune played on a Casio keyboard.
me (v.o.)
We were perfecting a lifestyle, even then… Planting the seeds for a future of limitless time wasting. Him and I were the pros at it. We lived in our own little world, which no one could enter. Shaped by Tom’s parents’ nasty divorce, and my own familial troubles… We relied on each other as a respite from the normalcy around us. Not even girls… Well, one tried once anyways.
cut to:
Me walks down a street holding hands with a girl. He gives her a sloppy kiss that just looks wrong. But they are both entranced.
Me
I love you.
She
I love you.
me (v.o.)
Twelve hours later I told her about the pain in my life. About my fears and my problems. She told me she used to love me, but then she got to know me and I was just weird. Two hours after that Tom called me and told me she was using me to get to him. In fact, they had been making out a few minutes ago. He asked if I wanted to know what it was like. He said he put his hand up her shirt. My heart crumbled and Tom sensed it and told me he was going to dump that bitch because she came between us. All was right in the world. Then we met Scott.
cut to:
Jimi Hendrix’s “All Along the Watchtower” blares. A nasty, red headed, short boy with acne scars stands against a sign, making farting noises. Everyone avoids him. Tom and Me walk by.
Scott
Hey wanna hang out guys?
tom
Hell no.
Scott produces some car keys from his pocket.
me (v.o.)
Scott had been held back two grades because he could barely read. That meant he was sixteen, and he could drive, and he had a car. And we made a new friend.
Scott waves his arm magically over a rusting, forest green Ford Pinto.
tom
Hey man, let’s hang.
cut to:
Scott drives the car while Tom and Me throw eggs at houses.
me (v.o.)
He broadened our horizons. He made life livable, exciting. He was also an annoying prick.
cut to:
A teenage party rages as best as a bunch of thirteen year olds can. Mostly kids clumsily make out while Top Gun plays on a television in the background. Tom, Me, and Scott sit there doing nothing. Scott is looking anxious.
scott
HEY MAN WATCH WHILE I LIGHT MY FARTS.
He takes a lighter to his ass and lets rip… A billowing blue flame blossoms. A girl pukes in the background.
me (v.o.)
Somehow we got invited to these parties. I think it was because Tom stole cigarettes off his dad and pawned them off to people. And every time it was the same. Driving home, Scott would bawl his head off wondering why girls didn’t like him. I thought of suggesting he try not lighting his farts in front of them, and coughing up phlegm balls and swallowing them and beating on people with a sock with a bar of soap in it… But I thought better of it. Scott started to change.
cut to:
As before, a sunny afternoon. Tom and Me sprint across the field. Scott stodgily follows them.
cut to:
Tom and Me zone out on the Nintendo. Scott looks around the room, bored. Looking for entertainment.
In a corner of the room is a fishbowl. Dozens of exotic fish languidly glide through the water. It’s a tropical paradise in a bowl.
Scott walks over to it. He drops his pants, aims his ass over the tank, and farts. He laughs like a hyena.
tom
What the hell are you doing?
me
Dude you’re about to get killed. You better grab a power up.
The fish come up to the surface and gulp for air.
scott
OH MAN THEY DIG IT! THEY’RE DIGGING IT! THEY LIKE THE SMELL!
tom
Whatever.
me (v.o.)
We tried to ingratiate him in our world, but only two people could play the Nintendo at once. So it became a ritual. Every day we’d run home, play Nintendo, and Scott would fart on the fish. It amused him to no end.
cut to:
Scott sits there laughing with his trousers down. Pointing at the fish. Tom and Me sit at the screen blankly, not noticing.
me (v.o.)
Pretty soon, we tuned out. It became commonplace, robbed of its shock value. For us, anyways… Until one day…
cut to:
The kids come bursting in the room. Tom and Me hit the controllers and the Nintendo immediately. Scott slowly follows them in, giggling. He walks over to the fishbowl, and drops his pants.
We can’t see him. We focus on Tom and Me.
There is a distinct sound. First, a fart. Then a ripping, plopping sound.
Tom and Me look over at Scott immediately.
He’s running out of the room with his trousers around his ankles, screaming…
scott
I’M SORRY!
Tom and Me look over at the fishbowl, horrified.
me (v.o.)
There are some things in this world you should never see. And some of those things, I’ve seen them. And let me assure you, you don’t need to see it. I’ll never forget Tom’s response.
cut to:
Tom (o.s.)
OHMIGOD DUDE HE SHIT IN MY FISHBOWL!
cut to:
Scott finishes… Cleaning… If you can call it that… The fishbowl. He walks out of the room somberly. We hear the front door close. Tom clutches at his hair, his face white with shock. He starts to cry.
me (v.o.)
The shit killed the fish. They ate it or something.
cut to:
me
Hey man it’ll be okay.
tom
My dad bought me those fish.
We hear Tom’s crying slowly turn to laughter. First a giggle, then a scream, a terrific peal of laughter. Me joins in.
cut to:
Tom and Me are on the floor, kicking at the sky, crying with laughter.
me (v.o.)
It was something we never forgot. After that, Scott joined the local young christian youth alliance. Tom and I had no end of disrespect for them. We called them the Mod God Squad. He stopped talking to us. He was clean, he finally passed grade nine, and as we began high school we wouldn’t even talk to him, not even in the halls. But that story still made Tom and I break down laughing.
cut to:
Me is a twentysomething now. Bad stubble. Messy hair. Nicotine stained fingers. He’s a stock boy at a bland, muzak pumped store. No one takes notice of him.
A young man with red hair in a boring suit enters. He stares at the gargantuan t.v.’s for awhile. Me maneuvers to get a closer look at him.
It’s Scott allright. Soon he’s joined by a bland looking wife who looks impatient. They both resemble zombies, in their gaze. They pass over electronic goods with their eyes, not saying a word.
me (v.o.)
So years later, I’m nowhere, doing nothing. As usual. And there he is. Scott the boy who shit in a fish tank. Married now, a good Christian. He’s a sysems analyst or something. And even though he killed Tom’s fish, the insanity of it, the wonderful disruption of normalcy - Tom and I could dig that. And it was gone. Sold for a Digital Cable system with Trinitron color and a wife who complains to the cops about the neighbor’s kids.
cut to:
An older Tom and Me sit on a porch, drinking cheap domestic beer.
me (v.o.)
Tom and I still hang out, in our own little world. Nintendo got replaced by Schmidt - the brew that grew the Great Northwest. And I mention to Tom sometimes about the time Scott did that, and we both break down crying from laughter… Maybe it’s because Tom earns five bucks an hour as a short order chef in a shitty diner and he’s in debt for the rest of his life for a loan he took out so he could go to college and drop out. And maybe I need something to feel good about because I pile stereos all day. Maybe we’re bitter. We need to feel superior. But it’s not that. I guess it’s just that some people don’t recognize the happiness to be found in a dumbass kid shitting in a fishbowl… But we sure do. And we miss Scott for that, because that moment… Well he was part of our little world.
The sound of laughter…
end